If you have been reading along daily, you know that yesterday was scheduled to be Chemo Infusion #2 of this round. The day was scheduled to be: 9AM- meet with oncologist to check in, go over blood work, see how I was doing and then, B. 9:30AM- hop in the recliner, get the IV in and spend the next 5½ hours receiving the infusion. That was the schedule. Turns out, that was NOT the reality.
We arrived at the doctor’s office. My vitals were taken (Still rocking that consistently good PB!) and then met with the oncologist. My regular oncologist was not available so we met with her partner, whom we hadn’t met yet. We liked him immediately. He sat down, turned the computer monitor so that we could see it and began to go over the results of the blood work I had done on Monday.
He quickly got to the “meat” of the discussion- my white blood cell count was too low and my creatine level was too high. There are protocols that dictate where those numbers need to be before chemo can be given, and those two numbers where outside the protocol. So…no chemo. We talked a bit about that fact and few other things and then we scheduled to come back next Tuesday, after a new round of blood work next Monday, and try again.
This is not an uncommon occurrence for chemo patients. The chemo attacks…everything. It makes NO differentiation between cancer and “good stuff” so it diminishes your immune system. And the last thing the doctors want is for your immune system to be so compromised that it can’t fight back. Ergo- protocols. Makes perfect sense- intellectually. But there is another dynamic in play that I initially learned a few years ago, when I was injecting myself with Interferon several times a week to try and shrink the tumor that was in my head.
When you KNOW you are about to receive some kind of medical treatment that is going to A. hopefully help but B. assuredly have negative consequences, it takes a bit of “psyching up”. You find yourself preparing- emotionally, mentally, spiritually- for whatever you are about to do. You get your mind wrapped around the fact that you are about to either give yourself or let someone else give you drugs that are going to do unpleasant things to you. But you remind yourself that there is a greater good at play and these drugs, unpleasant though they might be, are intended to, in the long run, help you. And so, you steel your resolve, you take a big, deep breath, you put your “brave” face on and you step into the lion’s den. And when you step in and find the lion not home…it has a strange impact. There IS the relief of, “Whew! No lion!” But there is also the emotional, sometimes physical impact of having spent so much energy preparing for it, getting ready, and then not having it happen. It is a double-edged sword, to be sure.
As I often say, I share this NOT seeking pity. Was it a hard day? Yep. Did it dredge up other emotions along with it? Yep? Did I have some pretty decent “down” time yesterday? Yep. But this journey is, by its very nature, a roller coaster. So, “down” times are natural. I wallowed in it a bit. We worked through it. And now we walk forward, ready to take the next step.
No, I share this story because if you are going through this sort of thing yourself, know that you aren’t alone. Others are, too. Your feelings are valid, genuine, real. Own them. Claim them. Don’t ignore them. They are yours and they are reasonable. Likewise, if you know someone who is going through something like this, let them have their feelings. Don’t downplay them. Don’t overplay them. Don’t try to fix them, rationalize them or minimize them. Just let them have them. And…pray for them.
We continue to claim, openly and unabashedly, that God is good, all the time! #TeamHarris #WarriorOn! We greatly appreciate your prayers, love and support. Check back regularly or simply subscribe to receive an email every time there is a new post. Thanks for stopping by- I pray you have a blessed day. Please make sure and come back again tomorrow, and stick with Jesus!
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